Author Archives: domenicarafferty

I recently spent a glorious week on an island in Maine. The sunrises, sunsets, the ebb and flow of the tides, the sound of the waves…each of these gifts of beauty and wonder nurtured my soul. Treasures on the beach–seashells and seaglass– are reminders of the strength and fragility of life.

Seaglass is Mother Nature’s reminder to us that we are surrounded by beauty. Seaglass comes to us after it has been broken, tumbled, sanded and worn down,. From this, we find beauty. What was once a bottle, dish, or other piece of everyday glass-wear finds its way into the sea. Each of these have their own stories. Each broke in a unique way, just as each of our hearts break uniquely. Each piece can tell its own story.

When the pieces of sea glass finally come to rest on the beach, they have softened, rounded edges, some pieces seem frosted or muted, their colors are more saturated, they are jewels from the sea, beauty from the brokenness.

I want to be like seaglass. I want my sharp pointy edges, that sometimes hurt the very people I love, to be worn down and rounded. I want to come to rest after being tumbled about and still be a source of joy to others. I want who I am, my colors, to hold fast and true no matter how rough a sea I may have to navigate.

When I find seaglass, each piece is treasure, a reminder of how life will sometimes break us, and then give us the opportunity to glisten and bring joy to life in a whole new way.

This weekend I had the privilege to participate in a seminar about “end of life” issues offered by a local church. It was time well spent. I learned a great deal, and I was reminded once again of the importance of end-of-life planning.

While some folks may be uncomfortable thinking about their mortality, it may be easier if we think of it in the context of the loving relationships that we have with family members and certain friends. If planning for the end of your life is a task you’ve been avoiding, consider the task a a gift for those you love. This may help you begin and accomplish this important task.

There are a number of ways to make end-of-life plans. Most funeral directors and clergy will be willing to assist you. You can make detailed plans such as the readings and music that you would like, types of service, place and type of internment, in some cases you can even choose to pre-pay for your funeral. In all of this, you are actually giving one last gift to those whom you love. When their hearts are broken, and their sorrow is new and profound, your loved ones won’t have to guess about what you would have wanted.

Another aspect of end-of-life issues is how you want to approach the end of life and want to be cared for. Decisions about hospice, medical treatments, and organ donations can be overwhelming. The more you can speak openly and honestly with the person or people you trust, the sweeter the gift you are giving your loved one.

One resource that I have found to be invaluable in facilitating these preliminary discussions is a booklet called Five Wishes. The booklet is an invitation to initiate some (perhaps otherwise) difficult discussions. It is available at the link below.

For a nominal fee of $5. you can purchase either a paper or digital copy of this 20 page resource. You can use it to open up discussions with family members, and you can share it with your funeral director and clergy. Most importantly you will have the peace of mind of knowing that you have taken the burden from your family to make difficult decisions during heartbreaking times. Knowing that you fulfilled your loved one’s wishes can be a balm to your heart.

Please remember that when your loved one dies, your heart breaks and nothing will be the same, every facet of your life will be changed. Be gentle with yourself. Avail yourself of people that you love and trust. Know that love will never end.

Link to 5 Wishes:

https://store.fivewishes.org/ShopLocal/en/p/FW-MASTER-000/five-wishes-paper

…I’ve heard it said,

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something that we must learn.

And we are led to those

Who help us most to grow if we let them.

And we help them in return.

Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true

But I know I’m who I am today

Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun,

Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better

But because I knew you

I’ve been changed for good.

It may well be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.

So, let me say before we part:

So much of me is made of what I learned from you.

You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart…..

These words are from the song For Good from the musical Wicked. Every time I hear this song I think of the dear people that I have loved and lost. I think about the love we shared. We each grew into our individual lives, yet the love between us was always there. We trusted each other, we supported each other when we needed support and we cherished one another’s dreams.

The lyrics help me to remember that each of the relationships I had, and now grieve for, were a gift. I grew and I changed because these people were in my life. I am grateful for the gift their lives were to me. I am grateful for what I have learned and how I have grown and changed because I was loved by them. 

In these gentle quiet winter days, I find solace in looking at my life, remembering all that was brought into my life by my loved ones, and giving thanks for the “handprint on my heart.”

May you enjoy this winter wonderland,

Domenica

As many of you know, in addition to my work as a psychotherapist I facilitate two bereavement groups. Meeting with the groups each week is a privilege that I hold dear.

Anyone who is grieving the death of someone they love is welcome to attend the meetings. We share our hearts and our sorrows, and over time people who began as strangers have formed deep and caring bonds of friendship. Out of the depth of heartbreak comes the healing beauty of kindness, compassion and empathy.

Over the past few years there has been a gentleman who has graced our group with his heartfelt memories of his dear wife. Ian’s heart broke when his beloved wife died, and he was always perfectly clear in sharing that sorrow with us. He was also always kind and generous in sharing his heart with us, he always took the time to uplift us all, especially welcoming and encouraging new members of the group. Ian encouraged us to take good care of our own health, and to also think about and make solid plans for our own futures.

At our meeting this past Saturday, as we came to terms with Ian’s death, we shared memories of him. We laughed and cried. We read a section of a Wordsworth poem that he held dear (below). We, who were once strangers, shared our hearts and comforted one another. While living with his own broken heart, Ian had enriched the lives of others. With a heart full of gratitude, I say to Ian what he often said to us, “Well done, you!”

GRIEVE NOT
(Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood, 175-186)

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

~ William Wordsworth 

A Better Place

There a just a few short weeks left to the Holiday Season, a few short weeks before we get back to our normal routines. I understand that this season can be stressful for many of us, perhaps these suggestions will help you find peace amidst the hustle and bustle.

If you are weary of Holiday music, may I invite you to remember that this music has endured and reminds us that despite staggering losses, love always prevails. There must be a reason why these songs continue to be reimagined over time.

Sending cards may be a burden, but it can also be a way to pause in our all too busy lives, and offer and opportunity to connect with people who are dear to us . If you don’t want to send out Holiday cards, perhaps a sending a heartfelt note on a blank card will bring you comfort as you find yourself connecting with folks in your life.

What if gift giving was viewed simply as an opportunity to “give” kindness to someone ? Whether you bake, or knit, or purchase or donate, or even visit someone, for me, a gift is a way to share my love.

If you are grieving, the pain of losing the one you love may feel overwhelming during the holiday season, this feeling is normal and understandable. Once again, I invite you to embrace the pain, cry when you need to and focus on who is still in your life.

As with all things in life, we can choose to focus on what endures rather than on what we have lost. There is a tremendous amount of upheaval in the world today. As much as I would love to change the world, I know that I can’t. But we all can change our own worlds. If each one of us, did our very best each day to be kind, thoughtful, generous and honest, the world would be full of an infinite number of worlds full of kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity and honesty…. the world would be a better place.

In each of your worlds, may you find moments of peace and joy in each day of the coming weeks.

We are in the midst of what is widely referred to as the “Holiday Season.” Whether you are celebrating Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, or Winter Solstice, I hope that you are finding ways to enjoy this time and make it as simple and stress-free as possible.

While many people experience this season as a time of joy others find it to be a difficult time–particularly those who are mourning the loss of a loved one. They find their sorrow to be harder to bear during this time.

The world seems to be in turmoil and we each seem to be struggling with heartaches, and while we may not be able to solve the world’s problems, we each have the opportunity to make the world a better place. We can give the very joy we are longing for to someone else. Sorrow is easier to endure when we focus on someone else, even if just for a while.

Gift-giving can be an excellent balm for a grieving heart. Reaching out to someone in need, giving the gift or your time, or talent, or a simple gift of creativity or generosity can help heal a broken heart.

Music is another prominent part of some Holiday Celebrations. When I listen to the music that is fundamental to my own tradition, I can’t help but appreciate that much of it was written hundreds of years ago, yet is has endured the world’s turmoil and upheaval. Hope and love seem to be the prevalent messages of the beautiful music that we turn to year after year. Hope and love will always endure. They always have. The remarkable thing about broken hearts is that they “still work” — we can still hope and we can still love, even as our hearts break.

I hope that this season finds you enjoying moments of peace in the stillness of early nightfalls, and in giving of yourself to others.

When I’m worried and I can’t sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

Perhaps you recognize these lyrics written by Irving Berlin and sung by Bing Crosby in the movie White Christmas. Counting our blessings before we sleep seems like age-old wisdom. Recent psychological research has demonstrated the emotional, cognitive and sleep benefits of a regular practice of gratitude.

Although Thanksgiving is now behind us, the practice of “giving thanks” each day benefits our own well-being and peace of mind. I believe and have often said that “there is always something to be grateful for, even on our worst days.” Choosing to give thanks–even if it is for one moment, or for one solitary glimpse of beauty or one fleeting memory–can help reduce depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Cardiac health and improved sleep are also benefits attributed to taking the time each day to focus on gratitude. Joshua Brown and Joel Wong, of Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, recently completed a study which “showed greater activation in the medial prefrontal cortex when they experienced gratitude in the fMRI scanner.” The authors conclude that “Simply expressing gratitude may have lasting effects on the brain.”

Expressing gratitude seems like the “polite” and ordinary thing to do: something we were probably taught to do as children. Yet when we are upset, we may not be inclined to be grateful. For those who are are grieving and may be anticipating a dreary holiday season, may I invite you to take time each and every day to write down (at least) three things that you are grateful for. Perhaps focus on the love that you did share with the person you have lost, the memories that you cherish, or the simple beauty outside your window. Perspectives and feelings will change when we focus on what we are grateful for.

I am thankful for you dear reader, and the courage you have to journey through what is often a difficult time.

With Thanksgiving only days away, there seem to be many reminders that we should “be grateful”.

I have long held the belief that there is always something to be grateful for. I often share with my clients that even on our worst, most unhappiest days, one can find a reason to be grateful. Perhaps it is the hug of a dear one who has come to comfort you when your heart has shattered because your loved one has died. Perhaps you are grateful for beauty as you look at a raindrop clinging to a branch, or as you gaze at the sunrise promising a new day while painting the sky with colors that seem to have an inner light of their own. Nature offers us much beauty, thus much to be grateful for. Taking the time each day to appreciate moments of joy and glimpses of beauty is one of the best things you can do for a broken heart.

I understand that Thanksgiving and the coming holiday season is often a difficult time for some people, especially if you are grieving. I invite you to gather the beautiful moments and the memories of joy that can be a balm to your heart.

Here is a beautiful poem by the Vermont poet, James Crews. May it be a balm to your heart as it has been to mine.

Gratefulness

by James Crews

Gratitude passes through you
like the clouds of mood,
like rain turning to sleet
or gray skies breaking into blue.
It is only gratefulness that stays,
holding your trembling hand
beneath the hospital sheet
as you count each breath,
or jumping up and down
when you hear good news.
It is the faithful companion
we have always been seeking,
this feeling of fullness
that follows us everywhere 
we go, less like a shadow 
trailing the body, and more 
like a glimmer held in the heart
that promises never to leave.

            While many of us here in Pennsylvania are marveling at this beautiful autumn weather and beginning to prepare for Thanksgiving, in Vermont this season is often referred to as Stick Season.  I love Stick Season. Stick Season is the precious time between glorious fall foliage and the beautiful snow and holiday season.

            Trees that just weeks ago were magnificently attired in breathtaking colors are now bare, allowing me to see the beauty of their branches and trunks. I can see through stands of trees to the forests and farmlands behind them. The daylight shines differently through these trees now that it is isn’t being filtered by leaves. The setting sun casts new and different shadows. The night time shows us whole new landscape, as stars shine down on these now bare trees.

            Stick Season offers me a new way of seeing the world. I can remember with joy, the deep green forests and cooling shade the trees gave us. The riot of colors I so recently enjoyed is still a vibrant memory. Yet here is Stick Season, inviting me to see the world differently, to see the beauty that is still around me. When summer ends, when leaves fall, the trees remain.

            I am reminded that when things change in my life, the essence remains. I am reminded that life is full of Stick Seasons – times when I have suffered a heartbreaking loss or huge disappointment but realized that I have the option to still seek hidden beauty.  I can enjoy memories, I can look at situations from different perspectives, and I can collect sticks. Sticks to use as kindling wood that will be used to build fires that will bring me warmth and comfort. Stick Season helps me to slow down and appreciate all the wonders that are hidden when trees are in leaf. It also is a gentle reminder that the coming season is one of busyness and joy, as well as sorrow and longing for some of us…a reminder that hearts as well as trees are now laid bare.

            How can I provide warmth and beauty for someone who is suffering? While I need to remain true to the essence of who I am, I will strive to find ways to bring joy and comfort to others.             I hope in the coming weeks you will find time to walk in the woods, and to soak in the beauty of Stick Season