Author Archives: domenicarafferty

During these days of golden light, shorter that they may be, we are once again reminded of the passage of time as we approach the end of another year. Life goes on, with joys and sorrows.
Perhaps this song about the passage of time, which speaks to my heart, will resonate with
you as well.
Peace,
Domenica

Vespers
words & music by John McCutcheon
The sun hangs low
In the sky tonight
Paints these hills
In a world of light
This violet hour
This waning day
This is the prayer
I will pray

Chorus
Bless this world
We hold so dear
The ones who’ve gone before
The ones still here
All the joy and loss
The pain and laughter
We offer thanks
Forever after

We pray for peace
We rush to war
From those with less
We ask for more
We hoard, we gather
We give, we grieve
And in our certainty
Cannot believe

Chorus
No, there is no map
To show the way
To guide our journey
To the light of day
But the stars are stories
Hung clear and bright
That the dawn will rise
From the darkest night
Chorus

Make me whole
As from the start
Heal the broken bones
Of this broken heart
Give me strength
To do my part
Is all I’m asking
As evening settles
Without a sound
The lights come on
Across this mountain town
Each holds a soul
Or two in place
Each is a pinpoint
Of homely grace
Chorus
©2020 John McCutcheon/Appalsongs (ASCAP)

Chorus

©2020 John McCutcheon/Appalsongs (ASCAP)

With the approach of November and the annual changing of our clocks, I have
been thinking a lot about time, the role of time in our lives and mostly, the passage
of time. We’ve all experienced the passage of time in fascinating ways:
~ The car ride home seems shorter than the ride to our destination.
~ Time flies when we are having fun.
~ Where did the time go?
~ The talk dragged on and on, as if time stood still….
Clearly, our thoughts and emotions seem to affect our sense of time.

Does time stand still? Does time fly by? Probably not in the literal sense, but there
is evidence that time, or at least our perception of time, is influenced by the beat of
our hearts. In a Cornell University study entitled “Wrinkles in Subsecond Time
Perception are Synchronized to the Heart,”lead author Saeedeh Sadeghi showed
what the researchers called “temporal wrinkles.” The results demonstrated that
“cardiac dynamics, even within a few heartbeats, is related to the temporal
decision-making process.”

The study also showed the brain influencing the heart, actually changing the heart
rate, affecting the subjects’ experience of time.” Co-author Adam Anderson wrote,
“The heart is one of the brain’s important timekeepers and plays a fundamental role
in our sense of time passing – an idea contemplated since ancient times.”

I found this to be a fascinating study, illustrating the interplay between our hearts
and our minds. “Knowing” something is not the same as “feeling” something. I
might know that I am safe in a certain situation, yet still feel frightened. This
tension between what is known and what is felt is often apparent when people are
grieving. Your brain might know that your loved one has died, but your heart
knows that it is broken.

It is imperative to honor our hearts as well as our minds. We live in world that
highly values information and technology, thus making it too easy sometimes to ignore our hearts. As we get ready to “change our clocks” this weekend, let the
knowledge of the interplay between heartbeats and our awareness of time remind
us to acknowledge our hearts in all the moments of our lives.

The harrowing events in the Middle East continue to burden my heart and mind with sadness and fear. The past three weeks have been difficult to say the least. It is during times such as these that I find myself (more than ever) needing to nourish my soul, while being present to the people in my life.

Often, it is the things that I cherish the most that are a balm to my spirit. The closeness of one I hold dear, my dog running with abandon through golden leaves as they dance to the ground, the sound of my grandchildren laughing, the sound of the stillness that surrounds me when/where I am safe at home.

It can become un-nerving for me to feel safe while being cognizant of the dangers and life –
threatening situations that others are forced to endure. And yet, I know that I must persevere in focusing on the present situation I am in. The beauty of nature has been and continues to be my solace in almost every situation, especially now. There is beauty all around me, it is always there, ever during my “worst days”. Wildflowers and holly berries, budding branches and falling leaves, enchanting sunrises inviting me into a whole new day, while brilliant sunsets usher me. into night-time. Some nights are brilliantly lit with moonlight and starlight, while other night are dark, perhaps even stormy. Life is like that, storms and peace, sorrow and joy, but always the natural beauty remains. Mountains like quiet sentinels stand still while we destroy one another and this beautiful earth. The ocean waves continue to roll in and roll out no matter what the current events are.

Looking at the everyday miracles, taking in the beauty that I see in a leaf, or a raindrop or a smile or a cloud….helps to ground me when I might otherwise be overwhelmed with grief during these difficult times. When times are not so difficult, this practice of taking in the beauty around me nurtures me and brings me peace, reminding me that I too must persevere. I must do my best to be true to myself and bring the best I can to the world around me. I am comforted by the enduring and constant beauty of nature, of knowing that the stars will always shine, that the sun will always rise and set, and that the waves, as always, will roll in and roll out.

I find myself at a loss for words amidst the evil, horror and turmoil that we are watching unfold in the Middle East this week.

While you may likewise find yourself struggling with a broken heart, I offer this reminder that as little as it may seem to be, it is incumbent upon us to fight evil in our own worlds. If each one of us would choose to be kind, honest, loving, generous and true with everyone in our own individual world, while we couldn’t change the whole world, we would certainly be making the world a better place.

Now more than ever, when endless news cycles add to the collective trauma, it is important to take time each day, even on our saddest days, to find those moments of joy and beauty that are part of life.

I leave you with these words of wisdom.

Peace and friendship with all mankind is our wisest policy, and I wish we may be permitted to pursue it. ~ Thomas Jefferson

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~ Mother Theresa

When I was in elementary school, long before water bottles, and Hydro Flasks, the item in my lunch box that I like the most was my Aladin Thermos. To me, this really seemed like a magical container, keeping my soup hot or chocolate milk cold. And not only did the thermos deliver at the perfect temperature, it also had a cup that fit neatly over the stopper which could then be used as a drinking cup or soup bowl. It could always be counted on to deliver at just the right temperature….until it could not.

What gave the thermos its magical power was a glass “vacuum flask” which was ingeniously
hidden between the metal outer and inner layers. If you were unlucky enough to drop or even bump the thermos too hard, oftentimes the glass flask would break. But because the glass was trapped between the shiny metal, you never saw the broken pieces, but if you heard that signature rattle, you knew the thermos could no longer work as promised. The shiny metal outside layer was still intact, as was the inner layer. It didn’t leak at all when you filled it with you favorite hot or cold beverage. It was only when you unscrewed the lid that you realized that the temperature was no longer true to what had been poured into it.

There have been days when I have felt like that broken thermos. To all outward appearances, I looked the same, and I could still contain the sorrows and joys that were mine to take in each day. Yet, inside, I was aware of my broken heart and unrealized dreams. I don’t feel that I am alone in experiencing this. Aren’t there times when we all feel broken in one way or another? Yet we appear to be perfectly alright, sometimes our shiny metal isn’t even dented.

Most of us all do our best to fulfill our promises, uphold our commitments, and hold one
another’s sorrows and joys while often appearing to be dependable and unbroken. There is a wealth of strength to be found in being vulnerable, in sharing with one another. When our hearts break, or dreams shatter, there is much support to be found in allowing ourselves to be supported by people who we love and can trust. Sharing our hearts is one way of helping our hearts to heal.

I often have to remind myself, that everyone has a fragile layer within them, encased in the
“dependable shiny metal” container of the parts of their lives they allow others to see. All to often I look at someone’s life and assume that all is well, without really knowing what sorrow they may be carrying. So, as I reflect on the fragile inner core of a much – loved thermos, I am reminded not to judge a person from what I can see, but rather to take the time to get to know them, to be a gentle listener as they work to gather their fragments, and offer a safe place in which they can share their heart.

pucciManuli, a charming toy store in Ardmore, PA, reminds us that October 2 is National Good Neighbor Day. The kind folks at pucciManuli recently shared this lovely Welsh proverb: “A little among neighbors is worth more than riches in a wilderness.”

I believe that the “neighbors” in my life are any of the people whose lives intersect with mine. We have the opportunity each day to be kind to our neighbors. Life is short, but full of joy and sorrow, as well as beauty and ashes. For me, much of the joy and the beauty of life is found in sharing with other people.

In my work with people who are grieving, I am often moved by how a community of broken- hearted people is quickly formed. People who share their grief and their sorrow with other grieving people are forming a neighborhood of sorts. They are sharing and bearing one another’s sorrows, thus lightening one another’s burdens. In the wilderness of grief, it sometimes feels impossible to connect with anyone else. Sharing your heart with someone who is grieving, as well as inviting them to share their sorrow with you, is an important way of helping a neighbor.

Flowers and casseroles are important and helpful, but so is that gentle visit inviting your
neighbor to share with you the story of their loss. Bonds are formed when broken hearts share their sorrow. Many people feel uncomfortable inviting a person who has recently suffered the loss of a loved one to share their feelings. But when sorrows are shared, deep bonds of friendship often emerge.

I invite you to be present for a neighbor who then might feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you. You may find that you both enjoy a fleeting moment of joy or beauty. You may even lighten their burden for a time, as neighbors often do.

As Fred Rogers said, “If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you may be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person. “

The other day, a friend and I were speaking about the Japanese art of Kintsugi, and I couldn’t help but recognize it as a metaphor for a full life.

In Kintsugi, a broken piece of pottery is not thrown out; rather, it is repaired using liquid glue mixed with gold to fill in the cracks. Thus, the pottery is reborn with rivers of gold flowing in places where cracks once were.

The pottery is no longer broken, or useless. The broken pieces are now beautifully held together with gold, making a beautiful pattern. The pottery is more beautiful than before, and just as useful.

And so it can be with our lives. None of us will get through a full life without periods of heart-break and unfulfilled dreams. When a life-shattering event happens, we have the opportunity to pick up the pieces and find the gold with which we will glue our lives back together. Our “glue” can be found through friends, counselors, and peer support groups.

Kintsugi does not hide the flaws, rather it turns them into a thing of beauty. Our lives can be like that. We can find ways to bring meaning out of our sorrow. One way of doing this is to share our sorrows with others, and in so doing, create a safe place for others to share their sorrows with us. When we do this, we will create a thing of beauty from the broken pieces of life.

Yesterday I had the privilege of attending the funeral of a 7 year old girl. She was dearly loved by her family, as we wish all children would be. The lives she touched and blessed were many, as the crowd of mourners bore witness.

Her parents generously transformed what might have been a grim funeral service into a
celebration of their daughter’s life. Every part of the funeral and graveside service was a
testimony to the power of love in the face of tragedy.

From the moment we walked through the balloon arch into the service, this little girl’s love for life was illustrated in many ways. From the brilliantly colored clothes we were asked to wear to the family members, teachers, and friends who spoke of the joy and love which she so freely shared. A bubble machine at the gravesite, along with releases of butterflies, doves and countless flowers were reminders that she had lived her short life to the fullest, loving with abandon, not worrying about what might happen next.

I was moved by the ceremony, and reminded once again that we all have the opportunity—every day—to live life in the moment, to the fullest and to love with abandon! The choices we make do matter. The colors, flowers, bubbles, butterflies and doves on the wing, all reminders that even on our worst days, there is always something beautiful to behold, even an instant of joy to be grateful for.

This celebration of life was also a reminder that we can choose how we grieve: how we make sense out of death which seems to make no sense at all, and how we go on when our lives are shattered and our hearts are broken. We lean on one another, on the people who knew and loved the person we lost and who know and love us. We lean on the memories we cherish and the love that we shared… a love that will never die. We choose to focus on what we had rather than what we no longer have.

Grief is an experience of pain, which at times may be so intense that it seems to threaten our very existence. Over time, we are able to carry our grief when we balance it with appreciation for the moments of joy that are to be found each day.

Tears are a gift, and I encourage people to appreciate them. I think Washington Irving said it best when he wrote, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”

…..the towers fell, close to 3,000 people perished, and our world would never be the same. I was one of the many “fortunate” people who were able to watch the horror from the safety of my home. Like millions of other people around the word, I struggled to understand what was happening while I saw hatred and terrorism unfold in front of my eyes. While I was able to huddle close with my family and dear friends, untold numbers of families were being torn asunder forever. What have we learned since then?

My prayer is that we have learned compassion and empathy: that the only thing that lasts forever is love, and that life is short, fragile and unpredictable. I hope that we have learned that each new day is a gift, and we all have the opportunity each day to do the best we can to make the world a better place. Speaking kindly, visiting a neighbor, making a donation to a favorite charity. The list is endless, but the point is crucial: even in the worst of circumstances, we all have choices we can make as to how we will respond to the circumstances in our life.

Over the past 22 years there have been many poignant words written in remembrance of 9/11 and I am grateful for the reverence as well as beauty that they inspire. As I reflect on all that was lost that day, I also reflect on and give thanks for the helpers, the often unsung heroes of 9/11. The taxi drivers and restaurant owners, the “ordinary” people who immediately jumped into action and cared for their neighbors who had been attacked, were suffering and were terrified.

One of my dear friends who survived the attack says that his most intense memory is of the
feeling of kindness as people freely helped one another. The only thing that seemed to matter that day, my friend says, was that of strangers helping each other get to safety, without any pushing, shoving, or arguing, just with genuine kindness.

When my children were growing up, we would watch Mr. Rogers and he would often say,
“Look for the helpers.” There were so very many helpers on that horrific day. Let us look to them and ask ourselves each day how we can be a “helper.” What choices can we make each day to be kind, and true, to help bring beauty out of ashes?

Here are two 9/11 resources that I want to share:
Boatlift: An Untold Tale of 9/11 Resistance, narrated by Tom Hanks is for me an awe-inspiring and moving documentary that illustrates one of the profound truths of 9/11, that of our better nature coming to the fore, and humanity showing its best side. During a nine-hour period on September 11, over 500,000 people were rescued from Manhattan in a massive, spontaneous boat-lift. Kindness answered the call as hundreds of ordinary citizens came to one another’s aid.

Hymn for the Lost and the Living: In Memoriam, September 11, 2001 is a moving piece of music written by the American composer Eric Ewazen. This is yet another choice that was made to make the world a little more beautiful while acknowledging the joy and the sorrow that makes up our lives.

The start of September has always felt like a time of new beginnings for me. My mom taught elementary school, and each year the last few weeks of summer were spent helping her prepare for “the new year.” Orange, yellow and brown construction paper would eventually turn into autumn leaves as my sister and I spent hours cutting them out and thinking about the “new year” ahead. The really fun days were the ones when we accompanied my mom to school and helped her make her classroom warm and welcoming for her new class.

When I was finally old enough to go to school, I reveled in the anticipation of my “new school year,” full of wonder about who would I meet, and would I like my teacher? Would I be smart enough? New shoes, and clothes and best of all, new notebooks tempered my anxiety and made it an enjoyable time. I grew to see the start of each school year as an opportunity to start again. I also saw it as a time rich with opportunities for widening my world.

Decades later, I still feel that sense of new beginnings every September, as the leaves start to fall, and students go back to school. No matter how old we are, or where we are in our lives, we can reset. We can’t change all of our circumstances, but we certainly can reset certain parts of our life. We can approach life with wonder, seeking beauty, experiencing joy, and choosing to learn new things. Is there a book you have always wanted to read, a language you have always wanted to learn, a skill or hobby you have wanted to perfect? Every day brings with it the chance to grow and change.

So, as the leaves continue to fall and brilliant autumn days approach, let us all choose to find ways not only to grow and learn, but to embrace the opportunity offered to us each day, to be kind, and to do our best to make the world a better place.