Author Archives: domenicarafferty

When I was growing up and something special or out of the ordinary was about to happen, I often heard my mother attribute the occasion to “once in a blue moon”. Blue moons, my mom explained, happened rarely and were therefore worthy of notice. I grew up savoring the wonder of our natural world, as well as appreciating the significance of time and its influence in our lives. Wonderful events, I learned, while not constantly occurring, could be counted on to reappear, sometimes with regularity, sometimes when least expected.

A Blue Moon occurs when there is a fourth full moon in a three month period, hence two full moons in one month. The next Blue Moon after today’s will occur 5 years from now, in December of 2028. Tonight’s Blue Moon is also a Super Moon (meaning the moon is full during its closest point in its orbit around the Earth) and this “Super Blue Moon” won’t be seen again until 2037!

Our world is full of beauty and wonder. Flowers bloom, snow falls, raindrops, sparkling like diamonds, shimmer as they cling to the tips of branches. Year after year, brilliantly colored leaves dance on the autumn wind as they make their way to the ground. And so time passes.

Time doesn’t stop when our hearts break, or anxiety assails us, or depression keeps us in bed all day. Time goes on, bringing us moments of beauty to savor, and reminding us that life is full of endings and beginnings, times of falling leaves and budding flowers. We will all experience times when we feel that we are living in a cold, dark moonless night. Then as it happens, the moon will be full again, the night won’t be quite so dark, and a new day will begin. We will have opportunities to be enriched by the gifts that surround us.

As Labor Day approaches, we may find ourselves scrambling for more time while we wonder where the summer went. Do take some time tonight to enjoy the splendor of this rare Super Blue Moon. Ponder your life, knowing that some things are constant and some things are occasional. It is our privilege to create the balanced orbit in which we will live.

As summer begins to wind down, and school days are about to begin, I find myself appreciating some of the consistencies of summer. For those of us not living in cities, summer nights are full of sounds–insects buzzing and flying into screens, the hoot of an owl, sometimes a fox, or a dog, or even some distant thunder on warm sultry nights. Cicadas and crickets. I always told my children that these summer night times voices, were the Crickets’ Lullaby. Going to sleep to the sounds of this lullaby was often a soothing reminder that certain things are constant.

Like all lullabies, I offered the Cricket’s Lullaby as a means of comfort to my children. A
reminder of my never-ending love for them. Listening to the lullaby was also a gentle reminder that every day, even on our worst days, there are sources of comfort all around us. There are things that anchor us to people and places that we love. Things that remind us that no matter what may be happening in the world, some things, like love, will never change. Those of us who wake at dawn often notice how quiet and still the world is, just before the birds begin to sing. Sometime during the night, the Crickets’ Lullaby ceases, and all is quiet and well. Problems and concerns that were heavy on our heart at the end of the day seem to have found a place in our hearts and minds where we can now deal with them effectively.

For many of us, it feels like our post-COVID world is very busy. The hum of electronics and air conditioning threatens to drown out the Cricket’s Lullaby. As summer draws to a close, there will be fewer and fewer “lullaby nights,” so as the seasons change, let us take with us the knowledge that there is a rhythm to life. There will always be heartache and sorrow, just as there will always be joy and delight.

Whether we are at peace or in turmoil, we can ground ourselves in the gifts all around us and in what we are grateful for. Each day, I acknowledge three things that I’ve experienced that day for which I am grateful. This practice gives me a sense of comfort and security. My anxieties are abated when I appreciate what I do have, rather than what I long for. Ending each day gratefully can be as simple as experiencing gratitude for the sunset you saw, or the hug you received or a loved one’s voice that you heard. The point is that even on our worst days, there is always something to be grateful for. We can depend on that. The Crickets’ Lullaby remind us that beauty and goodness and love will always exist in the world, and it is up to us to listen for it and be comforted.

As these summer days fly by, with reminders of the start of a new school year and the inevitable change in season, time seems to be on my mind. “Where has the summertime gone?” “Why isn’t there enough time in each day to finish my to-do list?” My memories bring me back to happier as well as sadder times. The passage of time is as constant as the changing of seasons.

Last week, my granddaughter watched me wind my watch (yes, I wear a watch that needs to be wound each day), and was fascinated. She had a difficult time understanding what I was doing and asked if I was “making up time!” How could I tell a watch what time it is, she wondered. It was a fun conversation and once again I pondered the gift of time.

I enjoy winding my watch, spending a few moments each day to simply think about time… the time at hand, the day ahead of me, how I spent the time that was mine to spend yesterday. What will I do with my time today, so that I might make memories that I will cherish, be kind and true to those I love, and simply make the world a better place?

Oftentimes we are not given the choice of how to use our time. Sometimes we are sitting at the bedside of someone we love who is dying. Sometimes we are struggling with anxiety that prevents us from doing what we wish. Sometimes it feels like all our time is being taken up by the depression that we feel.

We all have challenging moments like these. Moments, sometimes hours or days when it feels like time is standing still, or that we can’t endure another moment like this. It is during these times that it would be well to remember that time is fleeting, and we won’t always be in this situation. It won’t always be the day after your loved one died, just like it won’t always be the “happiest day of your life.”

Time always moves on. And when it does, it brings about changes, and the reminder that we can’t always control what is happening. Fortunately, however, we can choose how we react to what is happening. We can take time to be kind and gentle with ourselves. We can reach out to a trusted friend or therapist. We can look at the times in our lives and glean the love and the memories that we have. Memories become anchors that help us endure the inevitable storms in our lives.

One of the healthiest things we can do each day is to take time to savor the beauty that is all around us, and to collect moments of joy. Even during the worst of times, there is always a moment of joy, whether it is the response of our souls to the wonder of a sunrise or sunset, or clouds scuttling across the sky, or a tiny raindrop clinging to a branch. Be aware of the joy and beauty in this life. It will strengthen you for all the times of your life.

This morning I found myself marveling at the fact that “It’s already August!” How can that be? Here we are, closer to the end of this year than to the start of this year, and for me it seems to have gone by very quickly.

August is unusual this year, as both NASA and The Old Farmers’ Almanac tell us that we will have a blue moon this month. Not just a blue moon, but a blue supermoon. A blue moon is the second full moon in a single calendar month. This usually only happens about every two-and-a-half years. A supermoon is when the moon is full during the closest part of its orbit around earth, making it appear very large and bright. 

There are 4 supermoon events in 2023  and two of them take place in August. A blue supermoon is very rare however… the next one will be in August 2032!

How delightful it is to live in a world full of wonder and natural beauty. Gifts of nature that are always all around us, even on our worst days. Days when we are feeling lost, dejected, confused, or simply unsettled, there are gifts of nature in which we can find solace. Take some time to enjoy these August night skies. Let their beauty be a balm to your heart. And just as life often brings us the unexpected, you may catch a bit of a meteor shower, too!

I hope that you will find peace in the beauty that surrounds us.

When our hearts break because someone we love has died, parts of our brain “breaks” as well. The neuroscience behind grief is fascinating as well as informative, and I will revisit the topic in another post. Today, I want to share with you how music helps us when we are grieving.

Music helps our hearts as well as our brains to heal. We often hear references to the right and left side of the brain. While neither is more important than the other, they both play significant roles in our lives. Language , reasoning, numeric, and scientific skills, as well as spoken language and objectivity, are all functions of the left side of the brain.  Creativity, memory, reasoning, problem solving, as well as artistic talents, are all functions of the right side of the brain. Music actually bridges the two sides of the brain! When your heart breaks, your brain desperately needs to learn new patterns, a new “language” if you will, in order to make sense of the surrealness of death.

Music creates new connections in your brain. Neuroscience has shown us that music can engage the parts of the brain responsible for movement, emotions, perception, memories and more. 

Music has been proven to stimulate the production of dopamine and serotonin. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter – which is responsible for movement, coordination, and our ability to feel pleasure. Serotonin is a hormone that helps to regulate our moods and emotions.  Listening to music also helps to decrease our cortisol levels, which when left unchecked will wreak havoc on blood sugar levels. 

When we are grieving, we often long for a connection with our loved one. You can use music to help you feel connected. Perhaps you can make a playlist of songs that were meaningful to you and your loved one, and even share it with family and friends. Let music be a metaphor for your life. What would music be without the periods of silence – the rests? It is these pauses, these “rests” and times of silence, which gives music its beauty. In our lives too, we need to find and define our own times of rest, time claimed by us and for us, in which we can attend to our broken hearts. 

Music has been present in funerals around the world for centuries. Our hearts are helped to heal by the power of music.

Whether or not you are grieving, music is a powerful gift that brings both beauty and joy to our lives.

Hello,

I hope you are enjoying these brisk fall days full of beauty and the promise of winter. With
thanksgiving a week away, I wanted to take the time thank you for your trust and confidence as we have worked together. Thank you for inviting me to accompany you on your journey of self-care.

Perhaps two of the most beneficial ways of facilitating personal growth is to look for the joy in every day, and to live each day with gratitude. I know that many people these days are dealing with painful and difficult situations. May I remind you that even during the hardest of days there are moments in which we can find joy. Leaves dancing in the sunlight as they fall to the ground, a raindrop clinging to a bare branch, a velvety night sky brilliant with shining stars, finding yourself in the embrace of someone you love even as your heart is breaking. There are moments of joy all around us, waiting to touch our hearts and bring us peace. Reach for the joy, capture these moments and give thanks. Take note each day of all that you have to be thankful for. I often ask clients to write down three things that they are grateful for every day. Despite the struggles you may be navigating in this time of your life, taking the time to appreciate what you do have to be thankful for will be a balm to your heart.

Peace,
Domenica

            It is a gift to be able to communicate with one another, and these days, when so many people have been separated from our loved ones, communication has become essential. Our cell phones, computers, iPads and Zoom have made it possible to speak with, and sometimes even “be” with those that we otherwise would not be able to see because of the pandemic.

            Words of love, words of greetings and farewell, words of warnings and words of information have all become important parts of our day.  So, do we really need more words telling us about the pandemic, the tragedy of lives that have been lost, and the stories of the broken hearts that have been left behind?  While there is great meaning and value in every story, there is also value in silence.

            Perhaps now, more than ever, we need to take time each day, to quiet our devices, to still our minds, and to listen to our hearts. Hearts are best heard when we honor ourselves, our needs for peace. This can be done simply by going for a walk, gazing out a window, exploring a garden or savoring a cup of tea or coffee.  When we quiet down and take the time to listen to our hearts, we will find what we are sure of and what we are hesitant about. We will re -acquaint ourselves with our hopes as well as our fears. We will journey through each day, surer of who we are and how we want to grow.  

During this pandemic-driven time of heightened anxiety, many people are wondering why fear is becoming an unwelcome companion to the grief that they are feeling.

When we are grieving, we are left feeling vulnerable. We have been traumatized by the death of someone we love. Death brings its own reality, and that reality is surreal at best. Suddenly we are left with a broken heart as well as the need to make sense out of this new life. Into the vortex of emotions, here comes fear.

Fear is a powerful emotion, and has been essential in our survival, providing us with information that leads us into action, keeping us safe.  However, sometimes emotions alone can provoke a fear response in us. So why now, why when we are grieving does fear rise up in us? We feel untethered after the death of a loved one. We often lose our ability to focus, to see choices, to make decisions, to trust. Suddenly, we are afraid of “it” happening again, of our going crazy, of the unknown, of death itself. Fear easily moves into the vacuum of sorrow created by grief.  

While fear tends to focus on the future, grief focuses on the past – we can work together to journey through your grief while not being driven by fear.

The year of changes…

There are many ways of referring to this pandemic, which we all are living through. Some say it has been an awful year, some describe a long and difficult year. An unfathomable number of people have died. Once thriving careers and businesses have endured devastating losses.  As with all things in life, there is great benefit to finding the positive aspects of this Pandemic year as well.

The stress that Covid-19 has brought to each and every one of our lives is not to be taken lightly. We all are grappling with fear of the unknown, with sudden changes suddenly thrust upon us; changes that upend our, lives, our routines, our security, our finances, relationships, and our lives. Almost overnight, children have seen their schools shuttered and their computer screens and their parents morph into their teachers, as one simple and profound example of such change.

Change is hard – even in the best of circumstances. When our health and livelihood is threatened by a new and unfamiliar danger, it is natural to feel extremely vulnerable and anxious.

You have lived through this year! The anxiety continues, though. I will work with you to hone the skills you have been using and assist you in creating new one, so that you can manage to live through the pandemic with less stress and anxiety.